I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
