I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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