I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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