this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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