She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
