I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
