The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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