Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you mean i was at the winter classic?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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