totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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