your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
