She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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