i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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