you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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