I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
