And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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