I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
