Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
no more duck duck goose at the bar
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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