I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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