I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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