I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
