kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
