Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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