so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
