She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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