I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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