Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
