im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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