What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
