I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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