I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
