the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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