It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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