Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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