I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
