i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
