how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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