Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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