Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
