dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
