I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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