As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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