I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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