How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
