I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
