WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
