I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
