Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
