i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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