Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This is my gift to your gina
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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