Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
